Hey, single ladies, we find ourselves
in quite the pickle on the dating front these days. In the aftermath of ♯MeToo, men are
understandably insecure, uncertain, intimidated, afraid of making wrong moves or
overstepping new boundaries and being mercilessly lambasted as louche. And so they refrain from engaging with us at
all, choosing to play it safe in the game of the sexes.
Naturally, we realize that not all
males are chauvinist pigs and truly hope that chivalry is not dead, just on hiatus.
In an effort to reassure and encourage members
of both genders, allow me to offer a few guidelines to heterosexual interaction
in these days of debilitating distrust.
Men, don’t be shy! No
need to swear off flirtation or fornication forever! Please engage with us, woo us, seduce us –
just do so with the requisite respect and always be prepared (good Scouts) to
accept NO, whether in the form of a gentle rebuff, a vociferous refusal, or
even a physical shove. Consent, the belabored
buzzword in this re-education campaign, is of course the key to mutually gratifying
coitus.
Women, stand up for yourselves and do
not feel obliged to do the deed just because he bought you dinner. We need not explain or justify
ourselves if we choose not to go all the way -- just don’t go leaving a
bunch of blue balls in your wake. If you
do decide to indulge in drunkfucking, be sure you’re all in. It’s hugely unfair to lead a guy on and then
throw up a wall when things get hot. Men
deserve the same respect we expect in the hookup hokey-pokey.
In the meantime, while we wait for the
full fallout from so much repulsive misconduct on the part of some machos, what’s
a gal to do to ensure her sexual pleasure? We
can’t take the situation lying down, metaphorically speaking. We must take things into our own hands (pun
intended) – and guys, you should not feel the least bit threatened by this;
after all, you have been freely jerkin’ the gherkin all along, non?
It is definitely high time to embrace
the current femtech fad! There has never
been such a huge choice of vibrators, massagers, dildos, plugs and other sex
toys available, even at such mainstream sources as Amazon and Walmart. Online ordering and home delivery have never
been so welcome.
And if you are looking for some inspiration for ways to ramp
up your party of one, but like many women find classic video pornography too
vulgar, too explicit, too in-your-face repulsive, then have I got good news for
you: audio
porn. By leaving so much more to
the imagination, these sexy stories have a tremendously titillating appeal that
visuals lack.
Check out Quinn.com (“The Internet’s best kept secret”), a
website and Dipsea, a subscription app which both offer recordings designed to make
women
“feel more alive… unlock confidence, and enhance intimacy.” Or, at times, simply get the job done. These are two female-founded startups so it
is no wonder that their services so effectively meet the salacious needs of lusty
women everywhere.
But be forewarned!
Though this erotica can be listened to anywhere through the privacy of
your own earbuds, the look of ecstasy on your face will likely give you away to
your fellow public transit passengers.
