A POST-♯MeToo PLAYBOOK

Hey, single ladies, we find ourselves in quite the pickle on the dating front these days.  In the aftermath of ♯MeToo, men are understandably insecure, uncertain, intimidated, afraid of making wrong moves or overstepping new boundaries and being mercilessly lambasted as louche.  And so they refrain from engaging with us at all, choosing to play it safe in the game of the sexes. 

Naturally, we realize that not all males are chauvinist pigs and truly hope that chivalry is not dead, just on hiatus.  In an effort to reassure and encourage members of both genders, allow me to offer a few guidelines to heterosexual interaction in these days of debilitating distrust.

Men, don’t be shy!  No need to swear off flirtation or fornication forever!  Please engage with us, woo us, seduce us – just do so with the requisite respect and always be prepared (good Scouts) to accept NO, whether in the form of a gentle rebuff, a vociferous refusal, or even a physical shove.   Consent, the belabored buzzword in this re-education campaign, is of course the key to mutually gratifying coitus. 

Women, stand up for yourselves and do not feel obliged to do the deed just because he bought you dinner.  We need not explain or justify ourselves if we choose not to go all the way -- just don’t go leaving a bunch of blue balls in your wake.  If you do decide to indulge in drunkfucking, be sure you’re all in.  It’s hugely unfair to lead a guy on and then throw up a wall when things get hot.  Men deserve the same respect we expect in the hookup hokey-pokey.    

In the meantime, while we wait for the full fallout from so much repulsive misconduct on the part of some machos, what’s a gal to do to ensure her sexual pleasure?   We can’t take the situation lying down, metaphorically speaking.   We must take things into our own hands (pun intended) – and guys, you should not feel the least bit threatened by this; after all, you have been freely jerkin’ the gherkin all along, non?

It is definitely high time to embrace the current femtech fad!  There has never been such a huge choice of vibrators, massagers, dildos, plugs and other sex toys available, even at such mainstream sources as Amazon and Walmart.  Online ordering and home delivery have never been so welcome. 

And if you are looking for some inspiration for ways to ramp up your party of one, but like many women find classic video pornography too vulgar, too explicit, too in-your-face repulsive, then have I got good news for you: audio porn.  By leaving so much more to the imagination, these sexy stories have a tremendously titillating appeal that visuals lack.

Check out Quinn.com (“The Internet’s best kept secret”), a website and Dipsea, a subscription app which both offer recordings designed to make women

“feel more alive… unlock confidence, and enhance intimacy.”   Or, at times, simply get the job done.  These are two female-founded startups so it is no wonder that their services so effectively meet the salacious needs of lusty women everywhere. 

But be forewarned!  Though this erotica can be listened to anywhere through the privacy of your own earbuds, the look of ecstasy on your face will likely give you away to your fellow public transit passengers. 

WOMEN, BE WOKE -- ASSERT CONTROL OVER YOUR BODIES!

I am utterly appalled at the backwards slide the US is making on so many political, social and moral fronts, but what galls me the most at the moment are the attempts by conservatives to limit a woman’s right to abortion.  How can this atrocious trend towards upending Roe v. Wade almost 50 years later be getting any traction?  Reproductive freedom is a basic human FEMALE right!  And that includes the right NOT to reproduce -- regardless of the reason for this choice. 

The legal maneuverings in red states around the country, including my home Commonwealth of Kentucky, to set outlandish conditions and regulations on abortion services have really got my goat.  Putting ANY restrictions on a woman’s right to choose what to do with HER body is tantamount to Gilead-esque tactics.  We are no man’s handmaid!  For now, the federal constitutionally protected right to end a pregnancy up to 24 weeks supersedes these shenanigans, but several states have gone ahead and enacted “trigger laws” which would take effect in the event that Roe is overturned.  In addition, many states never repealed pre-1973 statutes that criminalized abortion, and some of them could again be in force if the right-wing contingent gets its way. 

This is not the first time that the landmark ruling has been challenged.  In 1992, the Supremes reaffirmed the central holding of Roe, saying, "Our law affords constitutional protection to personal decisions relating to marriage, procreation, contraception, family relationships, child rearing, and education. [...] These matters, involving the most intimate and personal choices a person may make in a lifetime, choices central to personal dignity and autonomy, are central to the liberty protected by the Fourteenth Amendment. At the heart of liberty is the right to define one's own concept of existence, of meaning, of the universe, and of the mystery of human life.”  (boldface and highlighting mine)

I fear that the current uber-conservative judges on the highest American court have a different point of view and could well send the country back to the pre-women’s lib Neanderthal age.  Who are these shortsighted, predominantly Caucasian males to tell women they have no choice in these matters? 

Could it be a sort of insidious, despicable retaliation for ♯Me, Too?!?!?!

Or simply a straightforward form of white supremacy and oppression? 

I am the mother of three myself, and carrying, bearing and raising them were the most precious experiences of my life.  These children were utterly desired, planned for, eagerly anticipated, deliriously welcomed, and all within a healthy, loving marriage – and even then there were countless trying times when I felt overwhelmed, resentful, infuriated.  Parenting is tough AF, folks, even under the best of circumstances, so imagine how much more challenging for a mother to give the requisite parts of herself to unwanted offspring. 

It is particularly unfathomable to me how a woman who has been through the trauma of rape or incest should be expected to unconditionally love the result of such a heinous crime.  Isn’t this the even greater offense?  For children to arrive already burdened with such a strike against them, such a stigma?  Sparing them this undeserving indignity is, imho, the best form of what pro-lifers call when attacking abortion, “the protection of unborn children.” Such undaunted maternal devotion is the very least that each and every human brought into this world is entitled to. 

And in preaching about not punishing children for the “sins of the fathers”, can these conservative, predominantly Caucasian males really be oblivious to the fact that, certainly in cases of rape and incest, the biological fathers are not going to be around to provide any sort of support whatsoever?! 

How dare they attempt to legally compel women – and oftentimes girls! -- to endure the burdens of pregnancy and childbirth?! 

How can they be so indifferent to the plight of the mothers who, after suffering unspeakable offenses against their physical bodies and emotional wellbeing, are forced to carry and bear and then left to care for the resulting offspring?! 

Why do they place more value on the unborn than on the women whose lives would be radically disrupted by the issue of an act of violence?!

And what about an oopsy pregnancy that is simply unexpected and/or unwanted?  I’d like to know how each of those lily-white, lily-livered legislators would feel if their wife / sister / daughter found themselves in such a situation and no longer had the power to legally, safely, willingly take control of their bodies and lives. 

So yeah, I angrily and wholeheartedly echo this placard: STAY OUT OF OUR UTERUSES!  

Next week:  Check this space for a post-♯MeToo playbook